“I didn’t learn to be quiet when I had an opinion. The reason they knew who I was is because I told them.” – Ursula Burns
I currently instruct new recruits. Because of that I have inadvertently become a role model. I have never set out to be one: half the time I feel like I barely have my shit together, so who am I to show someone else how to keep theirs together? Yet I was placed into that role, and, being one of two black women in my division, I had to rise to the occasion. I did it because two reasons: one, I had to; and two, it wasn’t until I was in a position of leadership did I ever see a positive black woman lead.
As an E nothing (subordinate) I had a black female in a position of leadership over me, and let’s just say she wasn’t the easiest person to work for. She spent most of her time trying to stand her ground in a boys club, and she was more prone to harsh criticism then guidance. It wasn’t until I made rank of NCO (Non Commissioned Officer) did she sit down and explain to me her methods. She told me that she holds me at a higher standard than most because that’s what it’s going to take for me to be judged based off my merit. Basically, she was harsh so I’d have that tough skin. Now I guess she meant well, but I had already written her off due to her initial approach. I’m sorry, if you randomly come at me sideways, I don’t care what you have to say. I’m not listening.
Anyway back to this role model business. What I did take from her was, yes, we have to hold each other to a higher standard because that is what it’s going to take to be on even keel. I let them know they have to be better, but unlike her, I show them how. They have entered a world that wasn’t made for them and together we need to find a way to mold it to us.
One of the biggest battles we fight is how we look. The military has rules and regulations for everything and one thing that is harped on is appearance. Did you know that it wasn’t until a few years ago that our regulation authorized hairstyles that didn’t require black women to either straighten our hair or cut it off? Perms, wigs, or cut it off were our options.
More than 2 braids? Unauthorized.
Naturally curly? Trim it down.
Dread locks? Out of the question.
There even was an article a few years back about a black woman who got discharged because she had dreads.
And don’t even get me started on makeup and nail regulation. It is a sea of gray areas and subjective opinions from people who don’t know the first thing about being a black woman.
“Complements the skin tone and does not detract from the uniform.”
Now what that says to me is that if my hair color, nail color or lip color are not the first thing you notice in uniform then I should be good, right? Wrong, it depends on who you talk to. Burgundy Nails? Out of the question. But what if you’re dark chocolate? We come in all shades of brown and what stands out on some may blend in with others. What I frequently see is the “go fix it” mentality of my superiors.
Just telling us to fix it won’t fix it: yes we are magical, but does that mean we know how to conform to their standards. It’s not just them though, we as female black leaders have used the “just fix it” as guiding advice. I know in the back your day, you had no guidance, but just because that’s how it has always been doesn’t mean it should remain that way.
When we don’t offer guidance and only offer harsh criticism we are breeding that “Why are all black female leaders bitches” perspective. We need to build up our girls and women so they can properly sit beside us. We preach about being queens and sitting on a throne, but there isn’t just one throne there are many thrones, maybe even an ornate bench. Show them how to be great vice placing this expectation on them without guidance. It is tough waters we are navigating and if we don’t have each other who do we have? Because after all we are:
The Very Few, The Very Proud, and The Very Brave…