There is a certain criticism when it comes to being an active duty spouse or as some call it a “dependa.” They are (mainly the wives) self-entitled, lazy, parasites who complain about things they don’t understand. So basically, those catty girls from high school whose ponytails you wanted to cut off and shove down their throat. The “My husband’s in the military which makes me automatically better then you,” type.
Now, I’m not saying I subscribe to that belief: I don’t. One of my best friends is a military spouse and a lot of my really close friends are as well, and they don’t fit into the stereotype. Really you wouldn’t even know they were military spouses unless you looked at their IDs. So I do sympathize with them when people start “dependa” bashing. Hell I have even put a few nay-sayers in their place.
But… In the deep recesses of the Facebook there are the few, the proud, the catty. A few days ago I walked, or requested, right into them.
So what had happened was…
A few days ago my husband and I had an in-home birthing class. What is a birthing class you ask? No it has nothing to do with having an at home birth. It is a class that informs us on what to expect during labor and the times up to and after labor. You know, things like the different labor stages, pain management, how to prep, when to go to the hospital, etc. Some people might feel like “why take a class women give birth every day” and so on. Well, I love my husband; he’s the love of my life, my best friend yadda, yadda, yadda. When it comes down to intense, stressful situations all the love in the world doesn’t negate the fact that he’s a bit of a basket case. So I figured the more information we had the better. Anyway, during this class the RN mentioned a Facebook group for military moms in the area. I’m all for groups of like-minded people sharing ideas, you know women supporting women and I’m a first time mom so I won’t even pretend I know what I’m doing.
I took my RN’s advice and logged on to Facebook, looked up the group and clicked join. I was prompted with 3 questions.
- Are you in the area?
Yes
- What is your association with the military?
Active Duty
- Are you a significant other or spouse of an active duty military member, and what branch?
No, I am the active duty member and I am a part of _____. I am a wife and a first time mom.
I hit submit and waited a day for my response. The next day I noticed the group‘s admin slid into my DM. I scanned the contents which started with:
Dear Mrs. Mac,
Unfortunately we could not accept your request to join our group because you are not an active duty spouse… blah, blah, blah.
These mickey fickies had the audacity, no, the gall, to tell me I couldn’t sit with them because I was active duty and not a spouse of an active duty member; because of that, I wouldn’t understand, or relate to, their plight as dependents. They made it clear that my experiences in no way shape or form would benefit the group. I mean what happened to women support women and moms sticking together? As if I’m not good enough to join their club.
I’m a military spouse and it shouldn’t matter what side of the fence I’m on. I get it, it’s tough staying at home while your spouse goes on deployment, having to take care of the kids and maintain the interworking’s of a household. I get it, but they don’t know my plight… they don’t know what I’ve been through and you want to judge my worthiness based off 3 questions alone.
They don’t know that I’m currently going through my first pregnancy and my husband works offshore so he’s home every other month. So not only do I get the whole being alone for long periods, but I also have to maintain my military obligation. Currently I’m balancing my prenatal appointments, regular work hours, duty days, trainings, prepping the house for the baby, and day to day things as well as handling my new third trimester symptoms on my own. If the baby moving keeps me up till 4am and I can’t get a decent night’s sleep, I still have to go in an work a full day: there is no such thing as calling in sick. I can only imagine how it’s going to be when the baby comes: with my husband’s current work schedule, every other month I’ll have him to help and then I’m on my own. So, there is a constant adjustment in the household routine: he might have it in his head that things will go one way and then I might want things to go another way, then we have to find our groove and as soon as we do he’s gone again.
Thankfully, I get 12 weeks maternity leave, but after that I’ll need child care every other month for when my husband is out on a job. Then after the baby is 1 I’m deployable again. with that, I could be leaving my family for 1 to 12 months at a time which entails shifting the household scheduling over to my husband, who would still maintain one month on one month on and one month off schedule. I’m not the one being left with the kids, running the household: I’m the one leaving, I’m the one who will still have to attempt in running the household from a far. But no, I don’t understand, I don’t qualify for support from other military wives and moms.
Can someone tell me when the definition of a military wife became strictly wives of men in the military, and not being a wife and having some sort of military affiliation? Do I not feel the effects just as they do, except they get to be with their kids when I have to leave? Why do I get the side eye when I wear my military wife shirt because some wives know I’m not a dependent? It’s not just the moms group. These are the same type of wives who assumes I’m out to get their husbands when we work together. No, me and him aren’t close because I’m trying to get at him: it’s because we work in a high stress environment which forms a unique bond with people. Your “perfect” husband picks his nose and eats it, his farts stink; and, on deployment, he doesn’t like to do his laundry so hard pass. Oh yeah he also smokes at work and changes his clothes before he gets home so you don’t smell it.
Don’t get me wrong: I have been privy to infidelities on both ends. some of yall aint innocent, but I’m not the one. Just because me and him wear the same uniform doesn’t mean I want his goodies: I already got my man in uniform, thank you. Also, have you ever considered the reason why you don’t get along with any of his female coworkers is because of your attitude towards them? But honey, don’t down play my life experience based on some misconstrued version of me you cooked up.
I mean the good military wives I know, the ones that I’m close with, are some of the strongest women I know and I love them to death. They have come to me with military questions and I’ve asked them mom and marriage questions. All I’m saying is that we are in the same subculture and we are stronger because of our differences. So how about instead of further separating us for whatever reason yall have how about we come together.
Then again after looking back at the message and talking to my husband, maybe I don’t even want to sit with them.
Absolutely, they were very rude! I can’t believe only 3 questions🤦♀️ You may want to let the RN know. I agree that it should be a place for every mother or military wife, no matter what the situation is😳 I love you, hang in there😊
I can only imagine what it’s like to be doing all of that and being pregant at the same time. Pregnancy is horrendous as it is but to add active duty. Super hero you are. Hats off.
To each his own, sometimes a goup isn’t what it appears. It is their loss not including you. You have a unique perspective to add to the conversation.